On raising a daughter

Sometimes I have this sudden, intense onset of anxiety. It comes out of nowhere. "O, God. What if I'm doing this parenting thing all wrong?" "What if I'm missing something?" "What if I'm raising a sociopath!?!"

There are no amounts of parenting books that will prepare you for this journey. I read all the ones that were popular 8 years ago. Some of them sent me down the wrong path. I had to adjust my compass and move in a different direction. But the greatest parenting lesson I have learned was not found in a book. Someone spoke this truth to me:

I will fail and she will not will NOT be perfect.

That awakening was so freeing. Up until that point I had been living in fear. Fear that I would somehow screw her up or fear that others would judge me based on my daughter's behavior.


Abby turned 8 yesterday. And she is AMAZING!! Perfect, no. AMAZING, absolutely!! I'm so glad I have not tried to mold her into any dream or plan I had for her. She is growing into the young lady God planned for her to be. And she is so different and so much more amazing than anything I would have thought of.

Abby has an intensity and joy that began to shine from the very beginning in her first full face smiles. She still has those smiles. She also has that emotional intensity that we continue to help her channel and control. This intensity is part of who she is. It can be frustrating at times. But we know it's going to do amazing things for the good of the world one day.

As for me, I still fear the judgement from time to time. It's hard for me to accept that others will in fact judge me because my daughter may not live up to their standards of perfection. But, I'm slowly moving toward acceptance.

Yes, one day Abby will probably need to "work through her issues" with a therapist because I'm an imperfect mom. That's ok. I've already started funding a therapy account for her. I'm kidding, but I've actually thought about it. :)

A change of pace

Over the past month I've gone from having 3 kids in the house full time to just 1. Last week was my first week with just Henry. I am amazed at the difference! I guess it's been a while since I only had one kid. It feels really distant and strange. Like I'm moving into a new season. I think I am.

It was very quiet last week. I know it's hard to believe being that Henry is 2. But for the most part it was quiet. A great deal of space opened up to me. The space was uncomfortable. I wanted to quickly fill it up with work and activities. But something was telling me otherwise. So I entered in to the quiet and sat there for a while. I resisted the urge to fill it with noise, mostly.

It was a terrifying and amazing experience.

There was time for healing. Time for tears. Time for meditation. Time for listening. Time for breathing. Time for planning.

Time for being.

Yes, this is certainly a new season. I figure I have two choices. I can either embrace the newness and walk into it or be afraid of it and try to manipulate or change it.

This choice is all mine.

The Simple Life

The latest tech gadgets. The newest fashion trends. A bigger and better house. A new car.

These are all things I once felt I needed in order to be fulfilled. If I just had _____ then I'd be truly happy. But those things never did fill the void.

They just made it bigger...

I'm slowly learning to let go of the stuff. I'm slowing realizing where real meaning can be found. When I think about living simply and deeply, this indescribably peaceful feeling overtakes me. I think this might be the feeling of bliss people talk about. I've been caught up in "stuff" for a long while now. And I'm nowhere near where I want to be. For instance: I'm way too excited about an IPhone upgrade next month! But I think I'm finally heading in the right direction.

So what does this new simple life look like? Well, here are just a few things that make my heart flutter with excitement.

Cooking whole, rich meals with ingredients that I bought from local farmers or grew myself.

Eucharistic meals around our small table with good friends and family.

Meaningful back-porch conversations with my husband after we've put the kids to bed.

Making clothes with my own hands.

Lots and lots of good books.

Just a few of my new favorite things.

A New Voice

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice ‑
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do ‑
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver

God grant you strength and courage on your journey.

Resting in the Great Mystery

(icon of the Trinity by Andrei Rublev)

At 4:11 am my mind is racing with thoughts about a blog post I read earlier. It was an excellent blog post created to give us a better understanding of atheists through an interview format. I've been presented over the years with often untrue propaganda about the character and ethics of atheists. Sometimes out of fear, we tend to put groups of people into nice clean boxes and define and label them according to our own very ignorant understanding. I personally detest these boxes.

Anyway, from the interview with the atheist, I gained a better understanding of why it is so difficult for some to believe there is actually a Creator of the universe who is still active today. And honestly, the more educated I become, the more I struggle with my religion. But is this a bad thing? I don't think so.
The "answers" to the questions that some in the modern church have come up with in the past 200 years or so are often just plain ludicrous to me.

Some in the modern Christian church have attempted to provide evidence and answers for all things Christian. This is in response to the age of reason. In my opinion, this is a grave mistake and it has really hurt the church. The very core foundation of Christianity is FAITH: believing in what you cannot see. Yet, we try so hard to come up with the answers for every question.

But how can you explain the incarnation? The virgin birth? The resurrection? Those core beliefs simply cannot be explained. They are a mystery. A beautiful mystery.

So here is where I've landed. I'm choosing to immerse myself in the great mystery of the Holy Trinity. I choose to believe and repeat the Nicene Creed each week even though I'm not sure about the Filioque. Even though I have questions about the creation of the Bible and I wrestle with some of its contents, I choose to believe that it is inspired and it is a Holy book. I'm giving myself over to the Divine. Even though some atheists will probably call me crazy. I can accept that. And even though some Christians may be uncomfortable with the fact that I have some doubts and questions. I will accept that also.

It's 5:17 and I'm going back to bed now.

Getting to know me, getting to know all about me

I am immersed in the world of the Enneagram these days. If you never heard of the Enneagram, I have two book recommendations for you:
The Enneagram (A Christan Perspective) by Richard Rohr
Discovering Your Personality Type by Riso/ Hudson

This had been such a fascinating and eye-opening study for me! When I first took the Riso/ Hudson Type Indicator test, I had a really hard time accepting the results. My highest number is a 4. The Individualist. I had never considered myself a very dramatic person. But as I read on and contemplated it more, I got it. I am INTERNALLY very dramatic when I'm in an unhealthy place. At my worst, I can be moody, emotionally demanding, self absorbed, withholding, dramatic and pretentious. As much as I hate to admit it, this is very true. In my early 20s I lived there. Now I just visit those dark places occasionally.

So here are a few things I think you should know about the Enneagram

It will be challenging! You MUST be ready to reveal your false self. It is quite unpleasant to identify and accept these dark parts of my personality, but once I do, I can truly see them for what they are and recover from them!

Do not be afraid of the Enneagram! It is a wonderful gift from God to those who are truly searching for their authentic self. It is only a tool to bring us closer to God, others and ourselves.

You may become addicted! I have a really hard time thinking about much else these days and I can't put my books down. Maybe that's because I'm a 4.

Above all enjoy the experience and be open to what it teaches you!

I would love to hear your experience with the Enneagram.

What's your number?

I Feel Your Pain

I've been an emotional basket case this week. Ups and downs all day every day. Struggling to make sense of it all. At times, just downright depressed. The crazy thing about this is that it's not even about anything going on in my life. You know the phrase, "I feel your pain?"

This is what I do. I don't know why. Somehow I got wired with an extra dose of empathy. I can actually, literally FEEL other people's pain. I've talked with others who have this same issue. Maybe its a "gift" that we've been given, I don't know. But, honestly, sometimes I wish I didn't have this ability. It's feels as if the situation is actually happening to me. And it can take me down.

So I ponder... Why. Where does this come from and what am I supposed to do with it? I don't know all the answers to those questions yet. But I'm seeking. Because I really want to believe this is a blessing rather than a curse. In the past I've run from it. Often the pain is so great that I have distanced myself from friends who were suffering.

Recently, a friend walked through a scary health crisis. I began to sink into a brief period of depression shortly thereafter. Realizing that these two events might be connected, I decided to find ways to help her but from somewhat of a distance. I sent out daily updates to our mutual friends and set up diners for her once she returned home from the hospital. I felt really guilty that I couldn't be more involved. Then I got an email reply from my friend from the hospital. She said she greatly appreciated what I was doing for her and she felt so loved. That email meant the world to me.

Just being aware of my own spirit during others' times of crisis has been helpful. I'm also learning to visit the emotions I feel for others but not to live there. And most important, I'm learning what it really looks like to put someone's life in God's hands. Saying it is one thing, but doing it is much more difficult. I know that I will have to walk through hard times again with people I love and care deeply for. My desire is to learn more about what I can do to maintain peace, hope and strength in my own soul when this happens.

A little summer organization

I need organization in my life. My brain does not do well with no structure. During the school year, structure happens naturally. The schedule just comes together without any forethought. In the summer, however, it gets messy. There is no schedule and it sends me into a very unproductive place.

So, I'm doing a little advanced preparation this year. I want this to be a fun and happy summer that my kids will always remember. I want to have activities from them to do but not over schedule them. I'm already looking at kid oriented-events and activities and putting them on my calendar just as I would a Dr. appointment. I'm also creating a summer cleaning schedule. It's on a 2 week rotation. Each day I will do a small task so that it doesn't feel overwhelming, but it gets done. And the kids and I will hopefully do several 10 minute tidy ups throughout the day. Just so they don't get too lazy! :)

I don't want to be too rigid about this. I'll leave plenty of room for spontaneity and surprises! WIthin the schedule there will be lazy days. There will be ABSOLUTELY NO busy days. There will be fun trips. There will be lots of swimming! And of course, some weekly scheduled time AWAY from my precious angels. That's a must!

Have you tried this before? What seems to work for you?

My last post. Ever.

I have to admit, this guy got in my head for a few days. But he didn't bring anything new. The fear was already there. Just needed to be stirred up a bit.

When I was a kid I spent alot of time worrying about the end of the world. I grew up in the 80s during the era of the fall of the Soviet Union. At school we would watch civil defense videos. I can still hear the ominous, low pitched tone of the narrator explaining how to surround yourself with cinderblocks. You would need a few feet of concrete protection to absorb the radiation from the nuclear fallout. That is IF you were unlucky enough to not receive a direct hit. Yep, I and every kid at the school were forced to watch this at least once a year. It was so scary and confusing. I would go home and daydream about just where we could put our wall of cinderblocks.

I was lucky enough to not only get scared to death at school but also at church on Sunday's. The preacher would often take current world events and turn them into end time scenarios. On top of that, the Book of Revelation was preached literally. (Refer to the Left Behind book series for more info.) Now, if you've ever read the Book of Revelation from the Bible, you will know that it speaks of dragons, beasts and other extremely scary things. We were told by a few preachers that these terrifying events would happen literally and probably soon.

So, needless to say, I've spent many years working to undo the damage done. I seem to do welll until some "prophet" comes along and convinces a few people that this is it. Then my mind quickly goes back to that place of adolescent fear. And the "what if" gets stuck in my head and won't go away.

But what is really at the core of my fear?

It's a core belief about God that is fundamentally wrong and dangerous. It's the belief that he is angry at his creation and wants to destroy us. Except the few that behaved well. This is the core belief that those crazy prophets get to and bring to the surface.

So I'm replacing that core belief with a better one. God IS love. Everything about God is loving. He loves his creation. All of us. Including the earth. He is redeeming his creation and restoring it. He doesn't desire to destroy the earth or us! That's what I believe about God.

Sorry Herold Camping, but you're wrong. See you on the 22nd!

The Baptism

Saturday night was a very special time for our little family. Our 3 kiddos got baptized. Now, most intelligent people do this kind of thing to their children when they are infants. And now I know why. It's pretty tricky to baptise a 7, 4 and 22 month old at the same time.

About 5 minutes before the service, Brennan told Abby that being baptized would hurt. She didn't take that very well. Unfortunately I didn't have time to undo the damage. After a brief homily, we brought the children to the baptism station. Here my parenting was put on display for all to see as my 2 older kids began acting like... kids. Lets just say they had a hard time standing still for 5 minutes! Ted was holding Henry. He REALLY wanted to get down and made that known the whole time. So, we were forced to parent as we desperately tried to engage with the liturgy. This was quite difficult.

Then things changed a bit. It was time for the main event. The baptism. Fr. Kenny called the kids over and they actually stood there... still, by the water. It was nothing short of a miracle. Henry got sprinkled first. Brennan thought it was so funny and started giggling. Then Abby started laughing. Fr. Kenny then sealed the three giggling kids with the oil. It was a beautiful, priceless moment.



So, I'm sure lots of folks have questions about why we chose to baptise our "babies." It's a little different then what we grew up believing. Well, I'll give you the short and sweet answer. We believe faith is a journey and it begins the day we're born. Ted and I have chosen to take very seriously our responsibility and desire to lead our children into faith in Christ. During the baptism we made this commitment along with everyone around us at St. Johns.



Thanks to Fr. Kenny for your patience. You were really tested with this one and you did great! :) Thanks to our photographer and unofficial Godmother, Jen, for taking these shots. :) And thanks to Glenn McClure for standing with us while we figure this whole thing out. :) We love you guys.

Slowing down

I live my life in fast forward. Always hurrying to get to the next thing. It creates anxiety in me and my family when I do this. There's always tension in the air. Time seems to pass by so quickly.

I can pinpoint 3 reasons as to why I do this to myself and my family.

1. I'm a people pleaser. If I'm late or if I miss something, I will let people down.

2. Procrastination. This is a big one!

3. We have way too much going on.

This has been my life... until now. I started reading this book called 1000 Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are and it has rocked my little world. There are so many nuggets of inspiration, beauty and truth. The main theme of the book is to live life with a constant sense of gratitude. Eucharisteo. It is truly life changing to live this way. To see everything as a gift. To stop and appreciate the little things.

To slow down.

So, I've been trying this new way of living out. And I really like it. Thinking ahead a bit so that I'm not rushing around at the last minute. Slowing down the pace so that I can enjoy the little things that happen along the way. Removing things from the schedule that I don't really have time to do anyway. Letting the house get a little messy. Fully entering into the moment instead of always thinking ahead.

My desire is to continue moving in this direction until it becomes a way of life. A beautiful, more peaceful way of life.

Resurrection Sunday

And now the completion of my little 3 part Lent series. Lent wasn't fun. But it wasn't really supposed ot be. I needed to sit in those uncomfortable places and stay there for a while.

Here's the really cool thing about it though. Something mysterious happend while I was there. I had a peace that I hadn't felt in years. Peace in the middle of an experience that should have induced a high level of fear. One of those paradoxical things that happens when you practice the Christian faith, I guess.

Another amazing thing happened. Easter was so much more meaningful! Because I had spent so much time contemplating my inability to control my own destiny. Contemplating the fact that nothing in this world or no one in this world can rescue me from death or suffering.

Enter the resurrection. A paradigm shift of epic proportions occurred when Mary Magadline recognized Jesus. (Thanks Kenny)

Jesus died, was very dead for three days and then came back to life. And he promised to raise us from the dead one day too. Here on this earth.

I choose to believe in that future hope.

But it it's not just about the future. It's also about the here and now. Resurrection happens every time we die to our pride and fear and judgement and hate and on and on. We are brought into a new way of living, or "new life" when we die to our old self. We are daily being resurrected.

Here are some thoughts on resurrection that really challenged me this year.

Peter Rollins on denying the resurrection:

Without equivocation or hesitation I fully and completely admit that I deny the resurrection of Christ. This is something that anyone who knows me could tell you, and I am not afraid to say it publicly, no matter what some people may think…
I deny the resurrection of Christ every time I do not serve at the feet of the oppressed, each day that I turn my back on the poor; I deny the resurrection of Christ when I close my ears to the cries of the downtrodden and lend my support to an unjust and corrupt system.
However there are moments when I affirm that resurrection, few and far between as they are. I affirm it when I stand up for those who are forced to live on their knees, when I speak for those who have had their tongues torn out, when I cry for those who have no more tears left to shed.

"Jesus's resurrection is the beginning of God's new project not to snatch people away from earth to heaven but to colonize earth with the life of heaven. That, after all, is what the Lord's Prayer is about."

— N.T. Wright

Good Friday: Suffering

Suffering

There is suffering all around us. We may live in a wealthy bubble but there's still suffering. Even in the bubble. 

There is pain and loneliness and torture and abuse and death and violence and abandonment all around us. All the time. Millions of people are living in hell. Right now, on this earth.

On Good Friday the God of the universe entered into our suffering. He came along side us in our rejection, our torture, our abandonment, our shame, our hell. The God of the universe could have stayed far away but he chose to enter in. He chose to suffer like we suffer.

He can relate to our suffering.

Thoughts on Lent

Lent has really sucked. This is my first year to really dive into the whole Lent experience. And it's probably been one of the least enjoyable experiences of my life.

I gave up TV for 40 days. I failed and watched TV on several occasions. Learning each time that I'm a failure.

I've done some soul excavation. Each time uncovering dark and destructive places that I didn't even know were there. I thought I was doing pretty good. I was doing all the right stuff. I was so deceived.

I have contemplated what it means to be a human. It is so limited. I will die. My body is decaying. My body is flawed. My soul is flawed. I will never be perfect. There's no amont of health food, no amount of exercise that can save me from death. It is a very sobering thought.

It cant be right to contemplate death. To embrace my human failure. To meditate on my human limitations. Is it? Aren't we supposed to just focus on the good things of life?

Lent has really sucked. And I think that's the point.

To be continued...